This author shares more helpful free information on anger management, damning and blaming, etc. Explore and use what you can and/or add to mentor training.
Communicate with “I” Statements
Say What You Thought, Not What They Did
by Kevin Everett FitzMaurice, M.S., NCC, CCMHC, LPC
“First, don’t interpret or add to what they said–just hear it
and share it back.”–Kevin Everett FitzMaurice
INTRODUCTION
“I” statements put the focus and responsibility on the communicator.
Thus, they are a lot less likely to be resented.
Unlike “You” statements, which put the receiver of the
communication on the defensive, “I” statements are a way to convey your message
without immediately alienating your listener.
“I” statements do not guarantee success, but they are your best
chance of getting your message heard.
If the person is open to considering your needs and wants, they
will be much more likely to do so if you use “I” messages than if you use “You”
or blaming messages. Simply, they increase your odds of being heard. Make
statements, not accusations!
BASIC FORMAT
I feel . . . when . . . because . . . .
I feel . . . when . . . because . . . .
Extension 1
I feel . . . when you (do or don’t) . . . because I think . . . .
I feel . . . when you (do or don’t) . . . because I think . . . .
Extension 2
I felt . . . when . . . because I thought it meant . . . .
I felt . . . when . . . because I thought it meant . . . .
Extension 3
I feel . . . when . . . happens because I interpret it to mean that I am . . . .
I feel . . . when . . . happens because I interpret it to mean that I am . . . .
Extension 4
I felt … when you did … because I took it to mean that you thought I was ….
I felt … when you did … because I took it to mean that you thought I was ….
FIRST PART
“I feel . . .”
The first part is used to state what it is that you feel about
what happened, or what it was that you felt about what happened. You need only
use one or two feeling words for the first part.
For example, write in “hurt, sad, afraid, mad, glad, happy,
lonely, discounted, unloved, anxious, guilty, excited, ashamed, or shocked.” In
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) shorthand this is the C part.
SECOND PART
“when . . .”
The second part is used to let the other person know what the
event was that you are referring to. It is the ‘what happened’ part of the “I”
statement.
The second part can contain a ‘you’, and it is the only one of
the three parts that you should allow to contain a ‘you’ when you are
expressing hurt or angry feelings.
If you are expressing happy or excited feelings, then you can
use a ‘you’ in both the second and third parts if you want to. For example,
write in “when you yelled at me, when you were late, when you forgot my
birthday, etc.” In REBT shorthand this is the A part.
THIRD PART
“because . . .”
The third part is used to explain what you thought about the
event, about what happened. This is where you let the other person know how you
interpreted the situation.
Answer this question for the third part: “What did the event
mean to you?” For example, write in “I thought you didn’t like, respect, trust,
care, etc., about me.” In REBT shorthand this is the B part.
RATIONAL EMOTIVE BEHAVIOR
THERAPY (REBT)
Now that we know the three parts of an “I” statement, we can
understand the whole expression using the paradigm, the model of REBT.
According to REBT, we have most of our feelings about events, experiences, and
occurrences only after we think about ourselves in relation to them.
When we use “I” statements, we are communicating in a different
order from that which produced our feelings. Our feelings are last, C, but we
are putting them first to disarm our listener and to defuse the communication
process.
The actual order of events would be “when because feel” or A » B
» C. However, we express them as “feel when because” so that our feelings are
regarded as the primary message, as the part that we want to be considered most
important.
EXAMPLE
“I felt embarrassed and ashamed when you found typing errors in this handout, because I thought it meant that I was a fool and inadequate.”
“I felt embarrassed and ashamed when you found typing errors in this handout, because I thought it meant that I was a fool and inadequate.”
ADDITIONAL HELP
If the person makes the mistake of challenging your reality (see
the page Don’t Argue Reality), you can then inform them
that you said “I think it means” and not “it is.” The point being that you are
not blaming or damning them for your feelings. Instead, you are taking
responsibility for your feelings based on your thinking.
You can then say that your intent was to help them to understand
how you think and feel. You can then add that it would be nice if they took how
you felt and thought into consideration, but that it was not required.
Additionally, you can tell them that they are free to keep their own view,
perspective, or interpretation of the topic just as it was before you shared
yours if they so desire.
LONG FORMAT
Here is another format that you may prefer or find useful in
some situations. In this system, you use four “I” messages in rapid succession.
The correct order is: I sense …. I think …. I feel …. I want …..
The first “I” message is about what you sense, for example, what you see or
hear. The second “I” message is about what you think or how you judge. The
third “I” message is about what you feel. And the fourth “I” message is about
what you want or desire.
BASIC LONG FORMAT
I sense . . . . I think . . . . I feel . . . . I want . . . .
I sense . . . . I think . . . . I feel . . . . I want . . . .
Extension 1
I see you (doing) . . . . I think (what you see them doing) means . . . . I feel . . . (about what it means to or for me). I want you to (do) . . . instead.
I see you (doing) . . . . I think (what you see them doing) means . . . . I feel . . . (about what it means to or for me). I want you to (do) . . . instead.
Extension 2
I heard you say . . . . I took it to mean that . . . . I felt . . . about it (in that light or with that understanding). I would prefer it if you would . . . .
I heard you say . . . . I took it to mean that . . . . I felt . . . about it (in that light or with that understanding). I would prefer it if you would . . . .
Extension 3
I was told you (did) . . . . I interpreted it to mean . . . . I then felt . . . . I wish you would . . . .
I was told you (did) . . . . I interpreted it to mean . . . . I then felt . . . . I wish you would . . . .
Extension 4
I smelled . . . . I believed it meant . . . . I felt . . . after thinking that about it. I would like it very much if you would . . . .
I smelled . . . . I believed it meant . . . . I felt . . . after thinking that about it. I would like it very much if you would . . . .
FIRST MESSAGE
“I sensed . . . .”
The first message is used to state what it is that you are
experiencing. You are relating to the other person as accurate a description of
your physical experience as you can. You tell them just what you see, hear,
taste, smell, and touch.
You do not interpret or add to it. You do your best just to
report objectively what you have observed. It is the ‘what happened’ “I” statement.
For example, “I saw you talking to an attractive woman.” In REBT shorthand this
is the A.
SECOND MESSAGE
“I thought . . . .”
The second message is used to let the other person know what you
interpreted the event to mean. The purpose here is to tell them how you
understood what you sensed. This is the ‘meaning’ “I” statement. This is where
you admit to the other person how you interpreted the situation.
Convey here the meaning the event had for you and nothing else.
Neither justify it nor disparage it. For example, write in “I thought you
didn’t like, respect, trust, care, etc., about me.” In this example, you might
say “I thought you were flirting with her.” In REBT shorthand this is the B.
THIRD MESSAGE
“I felt . . . .”
The third message conveys your feelings about what you thought
about what you sensed. Be careful not to add to your feelings or to try to
rationalize them here. Keep it simple. Keep it to the point.
For example, write in “hurt, sad, afraid, mad, glad, happy,
lonely, discounted, unloved, anxious, guilty, excited, ashamed, or shocked.” In
this example you might say, “I am feeling jealous of your attentions to her.”
In REBT shorthand this is the C.
FOURTH MESSAGE
“I want . . . .”
The fourth message is used to express what you want the other
person to do differently for you. This message is used to make requests, to
seek changes from the other person. For example, “I would prefer it if you
would not spend so much time with attractive and available women when we go to
parties.”
GOAL FOR “I” MESSAGES
You may still not get what you want. But at least you shared
your experiences, gave the other person your reasons, and shared your feelings
with them.
If they chose to respond, all well and good. But if they did
not. You still managed to express your true self. Being able to say what you
think and feel–without blaming others for it–is a true measure of mental
health.
Additional and Related
Information
Styles of communicating: 25 Relational Styles
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT): REBT’s ABCs of Emotions
Advanced “I” Messages: “I” Statements–Advanced
 |
| from website |
QUOTATIONS VARIOUS
SOURCES
“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.”–Jeff Daly
“Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the
presence of a witness.”–Margaret Millar
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind
don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”–Dr. Seuss
“There are very few people who don’t become more interesting
when they stop talking.”–Mary Lowry
“Some man holdeth his tongue, because he hath not to answer: and
some keepeth silence, knowing his time.”–Ecclesiasticus 20:6
“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man
as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The most precious things in speech are pauses.”–Ralph
Richardson
“Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence.”–Spanish
proverb
“Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the
brain.”–Unknown
“Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never
spoken.”–Orson Card
“Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and
health to the bones.”–Proverbs 16:24
“Draw me not away with the wicked, and with the workers of
iniquity, which speak peace to their neighbours, but mischief is in their
hearts.”–Psalms 28:3
“But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all
manner of conversation;”–I Peter 1:15
“The first duty of love is to listen.”–Paul Tillich, 1886-1965
Ret. 7-18-16
