 |
| Michael J. Karcher, Ph.D. |
From a presentation at
the National Mentoring Symposium, 2013
Getting a feeling for
losing a friend
“I guess I just miss my friend” Shawshank Redemption.
“Sometimes it makes me sad, Andy being gone…and when they fly away…the place
you live in is that much more drab and empty that they are gone. I guess I just
miss my friend.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n45ROeF1ctc
THE RESEARCH ON CLOSURE
Quotes below are from “Termination
and closure in mentoring relationships,” by Renee Spencer and Antoinette
Basualdo-Delmonico. In D.L. DuBois, & M.J. Karcher (Eds.), Handbook of
Youth Mentoring. Thousand Oaks ,
CA
Most matches end
prematurely: “Many agencies do in fact hope that the relationships
established through their programs will grow into ties that are more natural
and sustained over time without the support of the agency. Unfortunately,
research suggests otherwise, with fewer than half of relationships established
through formal mentoring programs lasting to their initial time commitment.”
(p. 469)
Achieving,
Completing, Succeeding, and Celebrating! “Keller calls this phase in youth
mentoring “decline and dissolution” and draws a distinction between these two
types of endings. Decline is the more passive drifting apart over time that
accompanies reductions in the importance and level of closeness in the
relationship, whereas dissolution is a more intentional or active termination
of the relationship that may be marked by a clear event.” (Spencer &
Basualdo-Delmonico, p. 470)
“How a relations ends is key to how mentors and especially
youth think about and value their experiences together” (Taylor & Bressler,
2002, p. 70, in Spencer & Basualdo-Delmonico, p. 470).
No double-dash:
“Dashed expectations may be of special significance to the many youth served by
mentoring programs who have experienced significant disruptions in their
primary caregiving relationships, where due to parental separation,
incarceration, or transfer to foster care. (p. 470)
Maintaining gains: “When handled well, it is believed that
the termination process can solidify gains made, resolve issues that have
arisen in the …relationship itself, and prepare the [youth] for maintaining
healthy functioning without the support of [mentor]…Poor endings, in contrast,
hold the potential to undo some of these gains when the process of ending the
relationship stirs up and does not adequately address issues and conflicts
previously raised in…unresolved issues associated with loss and separation the
[youth] may have carried into [the mentoring relationship].” (p. 470)
Questions unanswered,
doubts arises, sadness lingers Lion King & Rascal Flats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ka4B1OKYnQ&feature=realted
“What hurts the most, what being so close, and having so
much to say, and seeing you walk away, and never knowing what could have been.
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.”
Preparing for Success and Completion
In the CAMP
program we begin with the end in mind (and practice saying goodbye using the 3-2-1 activities to prepare
matches for closure. (Karcher, 2012, www.develmentalpress.com)
Each Meeting
3. Each person shares three things that happened in the past week (or month) that were good.
2. Each person shares two things that happened in the week (or month) that were bad things.
1. Each person shares one thing he/she plans to do to make more good things happen in his life or hopes for.
3. Each shares three things that went well today.
2. Each shares two things that did not go well.
1. Each
shares one that he or she hopes will
be different next time (brainstorm solutions).
Done Quarterly
3. Each
person comes up with three things
they really like about the other person, three special times they had together
so far this year; or three things they
really enjoyed
doing together.
2. Each person shares two things about the other person (or two times together) that made it hard to stay connected in their
friendship.
1. Each identifies one thing she/he will do differently in this relationship for the rest of the year.
The two
closure rituals (“Termination ritual” or “Thrown under the bus activity”)
- Explain
the reason for the ending
- Discuss
what worked and what didn’t
- Highlight
what each found special about the other
- Share
how each other feels—both sadness and thankfulness for their year together
- Hopes
for each other about how each will take lessons learned to their next
relationship
(Cite: Karcher, M.J. (2012). The Cross-age Mentoring Program (CAMP ) for Children with Adolescent Mentors (four
book set). San Antonia, TX: Developmental Press. Some activities available
at crossagepeermentoring.com and described in program materials at www.developmentalpress.com)
No comments:
Post a Comment